Art of Being
by Elizabeth Bartlett
Summary: What makes Daniel tick. It's a bit of silliness really. Hammond spots the lists and isn't happy. Please R&R!
1. Daniel

A/N: I was bored during class yesterday so I came up with what makesDaniel Jackson tick. They are mostly generalizations over the entire series so far. Spoilers for 'Stargate' (the movie),'Meridan', 'Lost City' (parts 1 and 2), 'Abyss', 'The Changeling', 'Fallen', and 'There But For the Grace of God'.I don't own Stargate (but I wish that I did). Please Read and Review.

Art of being Daniel Jackson

Jack leaned back in his chair, set down his pencil, and put his hands behind his head. He chuckled lightly to himself as he read what he had just written.

"What's so funny, sir?" Sam asked, sitting down across from him.

Jack looked at her, smiled, and slid the piece of paper towards her.

Sam picked it up and started to read. She looked at the first bullet point.

1. Must have a number of allergies so every time you travel uncontrollable sneezing occurs.

Sam stopped reading, looked up and said, "Is this part of some kind of bet?"

"No…well yes, but Daniel has to do the same thing for me or he has to take two weeks of vacation in a spot of my choosing."

Sam shook her head and continued reading:

2. Come up with ideas so outlandish that you become the laughing stock of the archeological community and are then recruited by the government and accidentally prove your theories right.

3. Look cute in a geeky way so that every time you go somewhere new, women fall hopelessly in love with you.

4. Put yourself in dangerous situations and be willing to risk your life in order to save your friends.

5. In those situations, get injured or make everyone think that you are dead then show up at the last moment slightly hurt.

6. Die, but ascend to a higher plane of existence in order to find true enlightenment.

7. While in ascended, appear to your friends when they are going through times of trial. But don't tell them about ascension; make them think that they are hallucinating.

8. Come back after a year of ascension, naked and with no memory of who you are or where you come from.

9. Help find the lost city of Atlantis and don't visit it for three years.

10. Have a name that when most people hear it, think of a brand of liquor.

11. Have such a low-tolerance for alcohol, that one sip of beer leaves you totally intoxicated.

12. Stand by your principles, no matter what happens and no matter what your friends think.

13. Save Earth a number of times and do not cash in on any of the favor's that result in said salvation.

14. Learn as many dead languages as possible. You never know when they'll come in handy.

15. In addition to dead languages, learn as many current ones as possible. You maybe required to do extensive travel in foreign countries where English is used very little.

16. Become the moral conscious of the group and clash with the military side of things when they conflict with the right thing to do.

17. Befriend an alien and support his cause.

18. Marry an alien.

19. Have an excellent eye doctor, as you will break many pairs of glasses on your travels.

20. No matter what you tell your team leader they will always touch the strange, unknown object before you are able to translate the ancient symbols.

21. Take up jogging and weight lifting because you will be required to run long distances or lift heavy things when the need arises.

22. Also learn how to shoot a gun, as you will have to defend yourself when in hostel territory.

23. When in an alternate reality, get proof to show that you were really there.


	2. Jack

A/N: Here's Jack's chapter. People commented that Iexcluded the coffee addiction in Daniel's chapter. I did realize after I had posted it that I had left itout and felt ashamed, because any true Daniel Jackson fan should know aboutit. So Iadded it into this chapter. And there are many things that make Jack himself, but I capped it at 20 for this chapter. Up next is Sam's chapter but I'll also add a few things to Daniel's and Jack's list. Anything you reconize I don't own.

Sam couldn't help but smile. "You did a good job, sir. But you forgot one thing. Please hand me the pencil, sir." She said, stretching her hand out to receive it.

"What did I forget? I practically got inside his head." Jack said, sliding the pencil over to her.

Sam caught it before it rolled off of the table and wrote something down. "This." She said, sliding the paper over to her CO.

24. Proceed to break every coffee maker you have/received from consuming an inhuman amount of coffee.

"Of course. Who could forget the coffee consumption?" Jack said, raising his eyebrows.

"I should see how Daniel's doing with his list." Sam said, standing. "Would it be all right if I took your list with me?" she asked.

"Go ahead." Jack said, nodding.

Sam picked up the paper and walked out of the commissary. Knocking on the doorframe of Daniel's office, she walked in and said, "Finish your list?"

Daniel looked up from his pad of paper and saw that it was Sam. "Just did." He said, sticking the pen behind his ear. "How did you know about the list?"

She held up the paper in her hand and said, "The Col. was working on it in the commissary. Now let's see how you did."

1. Watch 'The Simpson's' and make references to the show as often as possible.

Sam laughed and said, "Well, you've got the most important thing down."

2. Escape to your cabin in Minnesota by a pond, which has no fish in it, as much as you can.

3. Make sure that beer is well stocked at both houses and it is a major part of 'secret recipes'.

4. Have the worst record for turning in paperwork.

5. Drive a rattle-trap truck even though with your salary you could buy a much nicer car.

6. Live in denial for three years that your hair is turning grey until 'certain people' hide your hair dye.

7. Give the military doctors on base dictator-like nicknames.

8. Call every machine a 'doohickey'.

9. Don't read mission briefings.

10. Call yourself 'Starsky'.

11. Be fiercely loyal to your friends and teammates.

12. Always have a gun.

13. Have a telescope on the top of your house.

14. Use said telescope to neighbor watch and stargaze.

15. Look out for your friends, protecting and helping them when you can.

16. Get into shouting matches with our allies and 'certain senators'.

17. Pretend to be dumber than you really are.

18. Wear bug-eye sunglasses while on missions.

19. Make as many 'Wizard of Oz' references as you can.

20. Do what you need to do in order to protect Earth, no matter what the cost is.

Sam set it down and said, "It's amazing and a bit creepy how well you two know each other."

Daniel shrugged and said, "Yea well, that's what happens when you're with a guy for 8 years."

Standing, Sam asked, "Can I show this to the Col.?"

"Sure, why not? He's gonna see it eventually." Daniel said, leaning back.

"Thanks." Sam said, taking the paper and walking out of the room. She smiled to herself and thought, "_They'll never see it coming._"


	3. revenge and the lists grow

A/N: Sorry for the long wait, it's the end of the term and things are really busy. Here are some more additions to Jack's and Daniel's list. Next week'll be Sam's chapter and then an epi. I make some refrences to 'The Barista' and 'Things SG Teams Are No Longer Allowed To Do'. I own nothing relating to Stargate (although I wish I did...then Daniel would be all mine)

Jack and Daniel were coming in for the start of the day when they passed the base's bulletin board. "Look's like another list." Jack said, nodding to the sheaf of papers posted.

"Again?" Daniel asked, taking a look. "I thought that Hammond…" he said, trailing off. There they were; both of their lists posted for all to see.

"Carter." Jack said. The one word said everything. After a moment of silence, he looked over at Daniel and said, "I think a little retaliation is in order, don't you think so?"

"I do. Your office or mine?" Daniel asked.

"Yours." Jack said. The two men then headed for Daniel's office to plan their retribution.

Sam tucked her motorcycle helmet under her arm as she made her way through the last checkpoint. Seeing the bulletin board, she couldn't help but smile. She had waited until she was the last one to leave for the night and had stuck both of their lists up there for everyone to spot and to see if anyone would add to the list. Spotting different colored inks on both papers she walked over to it and started with Jack's list. It had gone onto a second page with the first one being;

21. Make sure that every time you get hurt and have to stay in the infirmary, the CMO has to bribe her staff not to all call in sick or kill you.

"_Janet must have put that one up._" She thought, stifling a giggle. She then continued to read the rest of the list.

22. Have sarcastic/smart ass remarks always on hand.

23. Even though you hate them, work with the NID when you have to.

24. Look out for your friends, protecting and helping them when you can.

25. Have a wardrobe that solely consists of cargo pants and plaid shirts.

26. Make 'Baal' and 'Yu' jokes until they are done to death.

27. Have an actual mini-me.

28. Refer to the Gou'ald as "snakes" or "snake-heads".

29. Call Teal'c "Murray" when out in the real world.

30. Try and get the "Prometheus" to be called the "Enterprise".

31. Have a thing for cake.

Daniel's had also gone onto a second piece of paper.

25. Have your wife and a former girlfriend become possessed by "snakes".

26. Wear nothing but plaid when not working.

27. Contemplate how "deep" Teal'c is.

28. Earn the nick-name "Space monkey"

29. Get your coffee from only one coffee shop in the area and get the entire base hooked on it.

30. Have 2 apartments, a house and a condo all in the space of two years.

31. Travel to Central America to look for an Ancient artifact and get kidnapped by guerillas, making your best friend rescue you (yet again).

Smirking, Sam made her way down to her lab.


	4. Sam

A/N: Here's Sam's chapter and I've added stuff to Jack and Daniel's lists. I make a refrence in Daniel's list to 'Stealing Home' by Kay Vagas. I don't own 'Stargate' (If I did then Daniel would be all mine!). Enjoy and please Read and Review.

"Don't forget to add the mission to P3X-595." Jack said to Daniel.

"I won't." Daniel said his pencil flying across the page. Finished, he set the pencil down and said, "Done."

"Can I see?" Jack asked.

"Here." Daniel said handing the piece of paper to Jack.

1. Spend all your time in your lab.

2. Have to be threatened with court-marshal in order to leave lab.

3. Have a thing for Blue Jell-O.

4. Be really smart.

5. Have "the kiss of death".

6. Have a number of relationships with men from other planets, but before anything can happen, they will die.

7. Have big blue, doe eyes.

8. When the Gate breaks down, be the first person they call for. (besides Siler)

9. Come up with a line like, "just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside…"

10. When you were little play with a 'Major Matt Mason' doll.

11. Prove that girls' best friend isn't diamonds, but a full clip and a gun to go with it.

12. Pull out of a simulated bombing run in an F-16 at 8-plus Gs.

13. Defeat a Mongol in hand to hand combat.

14. Log over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War.

15. Eat the funny headdress.

16. Have an evil twin that is bent on destroying the known universe.

17. Drink the stuff from P3X-595.

Jack set the sheet down and grinned. "I can't wait to see her face when she sees this." He said.

Daniel nodded in agreement and said, "We have to wait until she's gone before we put it up, that way she and everyone else'll see it first thing in the morning."

It was late and as Sam was walking towards the elevator, she covered a large yawn. As the elevator doors were closing, she caught a glimpse of Daniel and Jack with large grins on their faces. "_No good can come from this._" She thought. Walking in the next morning, she stopped at the bulletin board to see if anyone had added to Jack and Daniel's lists. No one had, but she spotted a sheet of paper being her name. Looking at it, she saw that Jack and Daniel had made a list of their own. And already people had added to it.

18. Give a long complicated answer when a simple 'yes', 'no', or 'maybe' would have been best.

19. Adopt an alien child.

20. Talk to your plants.

21. Have horrible cooking skills.

22. Become possessed by a number of alien life forms.

23. Challenge Col. O'Neill to an arm wrestling competition.

She caught a flash of light out of the corner of her eye and turned to see Daniel standing with a camera in his hands, grinning like an idiot. "For posterity." He explained, waving the Polaroid in his hands.

"Even?" she asked.

"You bet."

"Want some Blue Jell-O?" she asked, smiling.

"As long as there's cake." Jack said, coming up to them.

"Sound good to me." Daniel said and they made their way to the commissary. As they walked down the hallway, Sara Rothman (Dr. Rothman's oldest daughter) passed by and said, "Hello Dr. Jackson."

"Hey Sara." Daniel said, giving her a small way.

Sara blushed and continued on her way.

Jack and Sam gave each other a look and smiled.

"What?" Daniel asked.

"Nothing." Jack said.

On their way back to Daniel's lab, they passed they lists. Seeing that even more had been added, they stopped to look. Jack's list, on to its third page, was first;

32. Have your best friends be "little green men".

33. Golf through the Stargate.

34. Use beer to try and put out a grill.

35. Go to Washington at least five times and never have that lunch with the President.

36. Always touch the thing that Sam/Daniel/Teal'c says not to.

37. Have an office but never use it.

Daniel's, onto three pages as well, was next;

32. Become "out of phase" at least once.

33. Have sex with a Gou'ald.

34. Never give a specific answer. For everything.

35. Mow your lawn (when you have one) with your shirt off and in shorts in order to meet women.

36. Trademark the 'sad puppy-eyes' look.

37. Get beat up by an alien woman half your size.

And Sam's, on to it's second page, was last;

24. Suddenly be on the fast track for promotions

25. Try different hair styles, yet always revert to the one you started with.

26. Make sure two scientists; one hopelessly incompetent, the other an ego-maniac, have a crush on you.

27. Have a psycho ex-fiancée.

They laughed at each one, knowing who had written each one. The weekend passed and on Monday the lists had gone onto new pages for each of them.


	5. Busted by Hammond

A/N: Here's the last chapter and I made up short lists for Siler and Walter. I make some refrences to 'Heroes 1&2', 'Crystal Skull', 'Endgame'and a few other episodes that I don't call the names to. And for those who haven't seen the interviews with Martin Wood, then the Sgt. Wood joke will be completly lost on you. I wish I owned 'Stargate' but sadly I don't.

Hammond walked by the bulletin board on the way to his office and spotted the lists. He had just come back from a three-day meeting at the Pentagon and had been looking forward to a some what relaxing day at the base. But those thoughts flew out of his head the minutes he spotted the sheets of paper on the board. It seemed to him that the members of SG-1 had ignored his warning about posting such lists. And it looked like others had decided to come up with lists of their own, for Sgts. Siler and Harriman respectively.

Siler

1. Never take up that offer of speech therapy.

2. Have a giant wrench.

3. Carry said wrench around, but never use it to fix things.

4. Always work/hang out with Sgt. Wood.

5. Be the second person they call for when the Gate breaks down (the first being Carter).

6. Have an ongoing competition with Dr. Jackson as to who can/will end up in the infirmary the most times.

7. Be stuck as a Sgt.

8. Tell Rothman he's gonna get fired.

9. Help Carter with her bike.

10. Manage the bases betting pools.

Walter

1. Make sure no one can get your name right.

2. In addition to name, make sure that no one knows your rank.

3. When dialing the gate utter the following: "Chevron 1 Encoded…Chevron 2 Encoded...etc."

4. "Shake things up" at the end by saying "Chevron 7…Locked"

5. Have an uncanny resemblance to Walter "Radar" O'Reilly.

6. Be getting coffee when the Gate disappears.

7. Joke that the SFs play video games on the base computers.

8. Be the General's unofficial "secretary".

9. Have a rather obscure sense of humor.

10. Believe that you can do the job of dialing the gate better than any computer could do.

Sighing, he took all five of them off of the bulletin board and continued on his way. Setting them down on his desk, he called for Walter.

"Yes sir?" Walter asked, walking in.

"Please tell Jackson, Carter and O'Neill to see me ASAP." Hammond said, sitting down.

"Already did, sir." Walter replied. "They're on their way."

"Thank you. Dismissed." Hammond said.

"Yes sir." Walter said, exiting the room as the three human members of SG-1 arrived.

Jack knocked on the door and Hammond motioned for them to enter. "You wanted to see us, sir?" he asked, having an inkling of why they were there.

Hammond waved to the papers on his desk, saying, "Sit down." When they were seated he said, "Care to explain why these where tacked up on an _Air Force_ Bulletin Board?"

Jack cleared his throat and glanced at Daniel, who was conveniently avoiding his gaze.

"Colonel?" Hammond said, giving his best 'general' stare.

"Ah, Carter put Daniel's and mine's up so we decided to make one for her and post it as well."

"And how did this start?"

"Col. O'Neill and Daniel made a bet with each other that the other could characterize the other by making a list of things that they do, sir." Sam said.

"And what about the ones for Walter and Siler?"

"Someone on the base must have come up with those on their own, sir." Jack said.

"What were the 'consequences' going to be if they failed to do so?" Hammond asked.

"Daniel had to take two weeks of in a place of my choosing, sir." Jack said. "No work what so ever."

"And yourself, Colonel?"

"The same, General." Daniel said.

"_Oh _now _he speaks up._" Jack thought.

"And Carter?"

"She wasn't in the original bet, sir." Jack replied.

Hammond didn't say anything, just looked at them. After a few minutes, he said, "Originally I was going to send you to P7V-596 for two weeks, but after hearing about the 'wager' that the two of you made, I think that I've come up with an alternative. Dr. Jackson and Col. O'Neill, you are to take two weeks off in place of my choosing. Col. Carter you are to take _three weeks_ off in a place of my choosing as well. You are all ordered to leave your laptops, cell phones, and any SGC-related material in your offices. And you are not to contact each other during your leave. Understood?" Silent, they nodded and Hammond said, "Good. Dismissed." As they walked out of Hammond's office he smiled to himself. It would do them some good to relax. "_Now to pick their spots._" Hammond thought. "_Let's see; I'll have Jack go to Florida, Carter will go to New York, and Daniel will go to San Francisco. How much trouble can they possibly get into when they are apart?_"


End file.
